Notes from the book "Crucial Conversations"

Executive Summary

p80 Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I.

Fix the dogmatic conviction that others are the source of all that ails you.

The key to communication is to care about others' goals and have trustworthy motives.  In short, show leadership by treating others with human dignity and treating their needs as important.

• Establish and track mutual purpose
• Establish and track mutual respect
• Don't play games

Details

We should be bold in talking out difficult topics with people -- conflict is not a bad thing, if it's handled well.

Debate could mean the other person thinks you are trying to "win", so fights back.

When you talk with someone, they might not feel safe.  This is where silence and sarcasm and cheap shots come from.  They're being defensive.

You might be tempted to sugarcoat the message, water it down, dress it up.  This is actually avoidance even though you might think it is helping.

Skills

What Do I Really Want? (ch5) One skill to develop is not getting stuck on what is said to you.  "Step out" of the "content" of the conversation.  Your goal is to communicate to solve a problem (for example). 

Apologize Appropriately. (ch5) When you've hurt others, start here.  Express sorrow for your role in causing pain or difficulty.

Contrast. (ch5) This provides context, not apology. It's prevention or first aid. When people misinterpret your statement, address their concern and then confirm your respect or clarify your real purpose. "The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don't value the work you put in.  I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular."

Another way to contrast: "Let me put this in perspective.  I don't want X.  I do want Y."

Create a Mutual Purpose. (ch5) Be willing to abandon your strategy, because the goal is what's important. And when the goals don't match, be willing to abandon them for a more meaningful or rewarding goal for all. Once the goal is agreed on, then you can brainstorm strategies together.

Emotions (ch6) An essential tactic to controlling your emotions is to think them out.  This is a skill that gets easier with practice. What stories do you tell yourself which causes your feelings?

Slow Down (ch6) Learn to retrace your path through (1) noticing your behavior as fight or flight; (2) get in touch with your feelings that cause it... This Is Difficult!; (3) analyze what story is causing this emotion; (4) get back to the facts of the situation that seem to support that story.

How to Make Decisions. (ch9) Command, consult, vote, or consensus.  

1. Use command with low-stakes issues, OR where you completely trust the delegate.
2. Consult is efficient for gaining ideas and support without bogging down decision-making.
3. Vote when you need to efficiently select one of several good options.
4. Use consensus with high-stakes, complex issues where everyone must be on board.

How to Make Action Items (ch9)

1. Who?
2. does What?
3. by When?
4. and How will you follow up?

Document Your Work.  If you've gone to the effort to complete a "Crucial Conversation", don't fritter away all the meaning you created by trusting your memory.  Write down the details of your conclusions, decisions, and assignments.  Record who does what by when. Revisit your notes at key times (usually the next meeting) and review assignments.

Emotions (ch6)

After we observe someone's behavior, and just before our emotional response, we tell ourselves a story.  We add meaning to the observed behavior.  We interpret the behavior and guess at its motives.

These interpretations are theories.  And the interpreter runs at physical-reaction speeds, because it's set to evaluate danger.

We then judge that motive as good or bad.

Then our emotions respond, and then we act.

Until we learn to tell ourselves different stories, we cannot break our emotional loops.

Emotional Literacy

Talk openly with others about how you feel.  This helps build your vocabulary.

Cheated

Embarrassed

Humiliated

Surprised

Violated

...and a hundred more.

Three Clever Stories to Watch For

Look for these when you're talking to yourself.

Victim Stories "It's not My Fault"

There is no such thing as an innocent victim.

Villain Stories "It's All Your Fault"

This exaggerates our own innocence, by the way.

Helpless Stories "There's Nothing else I can Do"

Interpreting Behaviors

Anger / Highly emotionally charged = feeling disrespected.

When people feel unsafe, the personal styles are fight or flight:

• flight - avoidance, silence, not contributing, witholding
• fight - scoring points by winning an argument

Other books to read: 

Strength Finder (know yourself)

Learn to Lead